Julia (she/her)

Licensed Psychologist, PSYCHOLOOG NIP® - Compassionate and Inclusive Therapy

Tips posted by Julia (she/her):

• Topic | Tip
• Angsten | Panic Attacks - Grounding Exercise

  Panic Attacks - Grounding Exercise

  5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise for Panic Attacks
  
  This simple technique can help you refocus and regain a sense of calm during a panic attack:
  
  Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you: Look around and name five things in your environment.
  Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you: Notice textures or objects within reach.
  Acknowledge THREE things you hear: Listen carefully and identify three sounds.
  Acknowledge TWO things you can smell: Focus on scents nearby or recall a comforting smell.
  Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste: Pay attention to the taste in your mouth or take a sip of a drink.
  
  This grounding exercise helps redirect your focus to the present moment and eases anxiety.

  
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• Angsten | Emotional Pain & the Fear of Feeling

  Emotional Pain & the Fear of Feeling

  When we push feelings away, they usually grow over time. Instead, try to make space for what you are feeling and get curious:
  
  - What are the first signs you're feeling emotional discomfort?
  - What thoughts or beliefs come up?
  - Where do you feel it in your body?
  - What are you afraid of, and how do you usually react?
  - Are your reactions helping—or just protecting you short-term?
  
  Remember: you are not your feelings, and emotions aren’t who you are.
  They’re messengers—often pointing to what you need.
  
  For example, when we feel angry that might be a sign that a boundary was crossed or someone's behavior goes against our values.

  
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• Angsten | Confidence follows action - not the other way around

  Confidence follows action - not the other way around

  Confidence isn’t something we have before we try — it’s something we build by trying. Every time we step into the unknown, our confidence needs to be rebuilt. That’s normal.
  
  Think of it like zones:
  
  Comfort Zone – Feels safe, but there’s little growth here.
  
  Stretch Zone – Slight discomfort, but this is where learning and confidence grow.
  
  Panic Zone – Too overwhelming; growth stops here.
  
  To build confidence, we first need courage. Confidence follows action — not the other way around. Start small. Choose something just outside your comfort zone and do it regularly. As you build evidence that you can handle the unfamiliar, your confidence will grow faster each time.
  
  It’s okay to feel unsure. That doesn’t mean you’re failing — it means you’re stretching.

  
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• Angsten | Self check-in Emotion exploration

  Self check-in Emotion exploration

  1. Understanding the Feeling
  What am I thinking about when I feel this way?
  What state is my body in? (Tense, restless, heavy, numb, etc.)
  How did I take care of myself in the hours/days leading up to this?
  Is this an emotion or physical discomfort from an unmet need?
  
  2. Exploring Triggers & Patterns
  Did any significant event happen before this feeling?
  What emotions came up? What triggered them?
  What thoughts ran through my mind? How did they shape my emotions?
  
  3. Coping & Consequences
  What urges did I have? How did I respond?
  What were the consequences of my response?
  Did my response help in the short term? What about the long term?
  What could I do differently next time?
  
  4. Self-Compassion & Moving Forward
  What does this feeling need from me?
  What is one small, kind action I can take for myself right now?
  

  
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• Angsten | Fear of the Inevitable - Making Peace with Death

  Fear of the Inevitable - Making Peace with Death

  Death is the one certainty we all share, and yet for many people, the fear of it quietly shapes everything. It shows up as health anxiety, panic attacks, a dread that surfaces in the middle of an ordinary day.
  
  What therapy can offer is not a way to escape this fear, but a way to sit with it differently. Because often, the fear of death is really a question about life: Am I living in a way that matters to me?
  
  When we deeply accept that life will end - while holding the uncertainty of how and when - something shifts. The ending gives the living its meaning.
  
  Some questions worth exploring:
  - What exactly are you afraid of and how does that fear shape your daily life?
  - Where do your beliefs about death come from? Have losses or endings in your past shaped the way you see it now?
  - Imagine yourself very old, looking back on your life with a quiet smile - satisfied with the choices you made. What did you work hard on? What did you let go? What was worth committing to, even knowing you might not finish it?
  
  If death anxiety is something you carry therapy can be a space to explore what it's telling you about how you want to live.

  
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• Burn-out | 7 Types of Rest

  7 Types of Rest

  Feeling exhausted all the time, even after getting enough sleep? That’s because rest is more than just physical. We live in a world that constantly overstimulates us without teaching us how to truly rest. Researchers have identified 7 types of rest that we all need:
  
  1. Physical rest – Includes getting enough sleep and restorative activities like stretching or massage.
  2. Mental rest – Helps quiet an overactive mind through breaks, mindfulness, or journaling.
  3. Sensory rest – Reducing overstimulation from screens, noise, and bright lights.
  4. Creative rest – Reignites inspiration by enjoying nature, art, or music.
  5. Emotional rest – Allows space to express feelings without carrying others’ burdens.
  6. Social rest – Involves setting boundaries with draining relationships and prioritizing uplifting connections.
  7. Spiritual rest – Connects you to a sense of purpose through meditation, prayer, or community.
  
  Understanding which type of rest you're missing or what areas need extra attention can help you recover from burnout more effectively and feel truly restored.

  
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• Codependency | Codependency

  Codependency

  We all need each other — that is not weakness, that is simply being human. Attachment research is clear on this: our nervous systems are wired for connection, and needing closeness, comfort, and reassurance from others is not something to grow out of. The goal of therapy is never to need people less. It is to feel safe enough to need them more openly.

  
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• Codependency | Codependency

  Codependency

  What gets called "codependency" is often just attachment need that had to go underground. When asking directly for closeness felt risky early in life, focusing on others, keeping the peace, and making yourself useful became the safer route to connection. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFIT) we don't pathologise that strategy — we get curious about where it came from. And we work toward something more mutual, where you can receive as well as give, and where your needs have as much room as everyone else's.

  
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• Communicatie | Non-Violent Communication (NVC) – 4 Steps to Clear & Respectful Dialogue

  Non-Violent Communication (NVC) – 4 Steps to Clear & Respectful Dialogue

  NVC helps you express yourself honestly without blame or criticism. It builds understanding by focusing on your own experience rather than labeling or judging others. Here are the 4 key components:
  
  1. Observation (without evaluation)
  State what you see or hear without interpreting it. Stick to the facts.
  Instead of: “You’re so messy” → Try: “There are socks under the table and in front of the door.”
  
  2. Feeling
  Express your emotion without blaming the other person.
  “I feel irritated…” (Avoid saying “I feel like you don’t care” – that’s a judgment, not a feeling.)
  
  3. Need
  Share the underlying need or value connected to your feeling. Positive needs are easier to hear than complaints.
  “...because I need more order in the space we share.”
  
  4. Request (clear, specific, doable)
  Ask for something concrete, not vague or demanding.
  “Would you please put the socks in the laundry?”
  
  Example 1:
  “I see socks under the table and by the door. I feel irritated because I need more order in our shared space. Would you be willing to put the socks in the wash?”
  
  Example 2:
  “When I hear the TV on while I'm working, I feel distracted because I need quiet to concentrate. Could you please lower the volume or use headphones?”

  
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• Depressie | Low mood - Understanding your Dark Places

  Low mood - Understanding your Dark Places

  Everyone has days that feel heavy. Mood fluctuates that's human, you're not broken. But when the low places start to feel more familiar than the light ones, it's worth paying attention.
  
  Low mood is rarely just something that happens to you. It's shaped by everything around you and within you - your relationships, your environment, your sleep, what you're eating, how much you're moving, what you're avoiding. The mind and body are not separate systems.
  
  Which means there is more agency here than it can feel like in the dark moments.
  
  When you notice your mood dropping, these questions can help you understand what's actually happening:
  - When I'm feeling down what am I thinking about? What story am I telling myself?
  - What state is my body in - am I tired, tense, depleted?
  - How did I look after myself in the hours or days leading up to this feeling?
  - Is this an emotion asking to be felt or physical discomfort from an unmet need like rest, connection, or food?
  
  Sometimes low mood is a signal worth listening to rather than a problem to fix as quickly as possible. It can be pointing toward something in your life that needs attention - a relationship, a boundary, a change.
  
  If the dark places are becoming hard to find your way out of, therapy can help you understand what's pulling you there - and what might help you find your way back.

  
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• Eenzaamheid | Vulnerability & Self-Protection

  Vulnerability & Self-Protection

  If opening up feels hard, it may not be because you’re “bad at relationships,” but because your system learned to protect itself.
  
  Try reflecting on:
  - What happens inside you when you consider sharing something personal?
  - Do you fear being judged, rejected, or being “too much”?
  - How did people respond to your emotions when you were younger?
  - What strategies do you use instead (withdrawing, joking, staying busy, staying strong)?
  - Are these strategies helping you feel closer - or just safer?
  
  Remember: your defenses once made sense. Healing doesn’t mean getting rid of them - it means slowly learning when connection is safer than protection.

  
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• Eenzaamheid | Loneliness & the Need for Connection

  Loneliness & the Need for Connection

  When we feel lonely, the instinct is often to withdraw or tell ourselves we should cope alone. But loneliness is not a personal failure, it’s a signal from your nervous system that you need connection.
  
  Instead of pushing it away, try getting curious:
  - When do you notice loneliness most strongly (time of day, certain situations)?
  - Do you reach out — or do you tend to shut down?
  - What feels safer: distraction, independence, or closeness?
  - Who feels emotionally “safe enough” to contact, even briefly?
  - What small step toward connection feels manageable right now?
  
  Loneliness isn’t weakness, it’s a message that you are human and wired to belong.

  
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• Gelukkig zijn | Rethink “I Just Want to Be Happy”

  Rethink “I Just Want to Be Happy”

  Wanting to be happy is natural—but chasing constant happiness can be misleading. Life includes stress, sadness, and uncertainty. Social media and culture often promote the idea that happiness means avoiding all negativity, but that usually leads to more pressure and disappointment.
  
  Instead, focus on your values—the kind of person you want to be and what truly matters to you. Values give direction and meaning, even when things are tough.
  
  You can feel unpleasant emotions and still live a meaningful, fulfilling life.

• Grenzen aangeven | Self-Check-In to Practice Setting Boundaries

  Self-Check-In to Practice Setting Boundaries

  - "What am I feeling or needing at this moment?"
  - "Am I agreeing to this out of obligation or fear of upsetting someone?"
  - "How would I feel if I said no or set a boundary here?"
  - "What would it look like to take care of myself in this situation?"
  
  

  
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• Grenzen aangeven | Boundaries are a gift

  Boundaries are a gift

  Boundaries aren't you trying to control someone else, it is stating a want/need. You are showing the other person how to have a better relationship with you. The other person has the choice to decide if they honor it or not, but you also have a choice of how to protect yourself if they don't

  
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• Jaloezie | Dealing with Jealousy

  Dealing with Jealousy

  Jealousy is a complex emotion that can reveal deeper fears, needs, and insecurities. Instead of suppressing it, try exploring its roots and stay curious with these questions:
  
  - What situations bring up jealousy for you? How does it feel in your body? What are some underlying fears you might have (e.g., fear of abandonment, own insecurities)
  - What does security in a relationship mean to you? How can you nurture feeling more secure in yourself and with your partner?
  - How can you express jealousy to your partner in a way that fosters understanding rather than conflict?
  - Can you identify times when jealousy has helped you learn something valuable about yourself or your relationships?
  - How do you differentiate between jealousy as an emotional signal vs. jealousy as a reaction to real issues?
  
  

  
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• Relatieproblemen | Making it about you rather than attacking your partner

  Making it about you rather than attacking your partner

  Healthy relationships are not free of conflict; what truly matters is how conflicts are addressed. Instead of criticizing your partner with statements like, "You did this wrong," focus on expressing yourself constructively. Use this formula:
  
  State a feeling: Start by sharing how you feel.
  Describe a specific situation: Clearly explain what prompted the feeling.
  Express a positive need: Communicate what you need moving forward.
  For example: "I feel disappointed when you cancel our plans at the last minute. I need you to let me know earlier if something comes up."
  
  This approach fosters understanding and collaboration rather than defensiveness.

  
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• Relatieproblemen | How to initiate a conversation about sex

  How to initiate a conversation about sex

  We often feel a lot of shame talking about sex with our partner. Acknowledging that sex is a part of your relationship is the first step toward building comfort in discussing it. Open the door to exploring early memories, fantasies, and favorite sexual experiences. To start these conversations, try asking:
  
  - What is your favorite sexual memory with me?
  - What comes up when you think about the words sex, vagina, vulva, or penis?
  - What were you taught about sex, and what do you wish you had been taught?
  - What does great sex mean to you? What is your favorite part about it?
  - What does intimacy mean to you?

  
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• Relatieproblemen | Turning Towards Bids for Connection (Gottman Method)

  Turning Towards Bids for Connection (Gottman Method)

  In relationships, we constantly send out small signals (or "bids") for attention, affection, or support—like sharing a funny story, asking for advice, or even just making eye contact.
  
  How you respond to these bids shapes the strength of your connection. You have three choices:
  
  1. Turn Towards – Engage with warmth and interest (e.g., "That’s funny! Tell me more.").
  2. Turn Away – Ignore or dismiss the bid (e.g., staying silent or looking at your phone).
  3. Turn Against – React with irritation or hostility (e.g., "Why are you bothering me?").
  
  Couples who consistently turn towards each other build trust and emotional closeness. Even small moments—like acknowledging your partner’s excitement or offering a reassuring touch—create a foundation for long-term intimacy and happiness.

  
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• Relatieproblemen | How Childhood Attachment Affects our Relationships Today

  How Childhood Attachment Affects our Relationships Today

  There are 4 different attachment styles:
  
  1. Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals grow up with caregivers who consistently meet their needs, fostering emotional stability and healthy relationships. As adults, they are comfortable with intimacy, balance closeness with independence, and communicate well.
  
  2. Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant individuals struggle with emotional closeness, often shutting down or avoiding vulnerability. This stems from childhood experiences of unresponsive caregivers. They may seem distant, but deep down, they fear rejection. Learning to embrace emotional closeness can improve their relationships.
  
  3. Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment fear abandonment and often seek constant reassurance. This develops from inconsistent caregiving, leading to self-esteem and trust issues. Anxious individuals may struggle with emotional regulation and rely heavily on their partner for validation, which can cause relationship tension.
  
  4. Disorganized Attachment: Rooted in trauma or inconsistent care, disorganized attachment leads to emotional instability. Adults with this style may struggle with fears of abandonment and building stable relationships. Healing often requires professional support to address past trauma and develop healthier relational patterns.
  
  By understanding our attachment patterns, we can make conscious choices to build healthier relationships. Through therapeutic support it is possible to heal from early attachment wounds and create more secure relationships with yourself and with others.

  
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• Trauma | Healing from Parentification: Learning it's okay to be cared for

  Healing from Parentification: Learning it's okay to be cared for

  If you grew up feeling like you had to be “the adult” in your family - managing chores, caring for siblings, or supporting your parents emotionally - that’s called parentification. It’s not your fault, and it can leave lasting stress or guilt.
  
  A simple way to start healing is to give yourself permission to just be cared for now. Try small steps like:
  - Saying “no” to things that feel too heavy
  - Asking a trusted friend or therapist for support
  - Scheduling regular “play” or rest time, even if it feels strange
  
  You don’t have to carry every burden anymore.

  
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• Trauma | Breaking free from familiar but unhealthy patterns in relationships.

  Breaking free from familiar but unhealthy patterns in relationships.

  If you catch yourself drawn to the same unhealthy relationships or situations, you might be experiencing repetition compulsion - your mind’s way of trying to “redo” a painful past to finally feel safe or in control.
  Pause when you notice a familiar pattern.
  Ask yourself, “Does this feel safe, or just familiar?”
  Practice choosing even small, different responses - like reaching out to a trusted friend or setting a boundary
  
  Healing starts with noticing the cycle and giving yourself permission to try a new path.

  
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