I want to be saved

hi, I'm maartje. I write this down because I'm depressed and don't see the end anymore. I want help...

I have a problem.

Being empty was the solution. the religion in which I got trapped. I feel so panicked and so very very scared. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to look. I feel like a child lost in the supermarket. That same panic of the huge shelves surrounding you, where everyone is judging you and all is unfamiliar.

I want to be saved. I want to find a solution out. I want to go home. I keep crying because I am finally letting my masks go. And there is so much sadness. So much pain. I am afraid of not being able to put up with it alone. Or to just put it away again behind masks, not letting it free.

I call for just one thing: Please, please rescue me. Don’t let me fight again with my head. Make it an emergency entrance. Let me go. I am crumbling. I am falling. When the masks drop there is nothing but uncertainty and the arena inside my head. Then there’s me and the eating disorder. I want a break but she doesn’t. I feel guilty over a banana. I feel guilty over a snack. I feel guilty over everything. And I am so scared of putting on weight because people will hate me all over again and not want me. People have never wanted me.

They never did. Back in France they never wanted the dutch girl unless if they needed homework done. They hated me and thought me weird. I got involved with bullies, but at least they wanted me, so I adapted. I did what they asked. Erased myself. And after that I got so desperate for contact and belonging. I build myself a massive army of friends. I build myself an empire of social contact, and my grades soared. I lived up to what I thought was being popular. I was not there anymore. I only lived for that show, that circus, every single day.

And Now…? I do not even know who I am, because I never existed. Or at least, was dormant for so long. I do not even want myself, because I am certain it will be rejected. I am no one. A chameleon, nothing more.

I carry this dark cape of bad memories and mentalities on my shoulders. I need to put on the show everyday. I always have a bag of masks with me and learned to generate my emotions on command. I’ll truly feel them, but on command. I build this over the last ten years, and now I just want someone to safe me. I know where to go, what I want to achieve, but I do not know where to go. Neither how to start.

I feel empty and sad. I feel like a ghost because I keep crying. I am so afraid of being alone at home. I am so afraid of doing things wrong. Exercise too much, eat too little, Pressure myself, fail the exams, fail school, friends, family…

I am even afraid of a poor, sweet banana which can do so much great things for me.

I only see numbers. I only see validation stickers. Algorithms in my head giving everything, from food to school and everything in between, a grade.

Red means disapproved by society, green means safe. there is no orange.

I am afraid of the conflict in my head. It is a living hell. Angel and demon fighting in a cage with me in between. I keep hurting myself, I keep disregarding and hating myself. I am worthless, only here to serve. I’ve become an empty shell. But that was the solution. The only one I saw. Because when I started to be empty, people got…interested.

Now I just want help. I am ready to pay any price, any rent, anything. But please let me go to a home. Please let me go somewhere safe. Please help me escape. Help me letting it go. I have a life in Utrecht and that’s the only thing keeping me from fleeing to Hoorn, to my grandparents, or back to France, to my parents.

I know fleeing holds no solution, so it is what makes me stay. But I feel terribly unhappy, lonely, and dark. The only company is the dark goddess on my shoulder, whispering, always and always…