As a kid I never fitted in anywhere

As a kid I never fitted in anywhere (I saw others are different) but at the same time I fitted everywhere because of the "copycat mechanism". Never had any trouble with learning or speech so they never asumed it is aspergers/atypical autism. I got diagnosed with OCD, schizophrenic disorder etc. With every new psychologist I would hear a new diagnose.

First relationship got screwed cause of my agressive behaviour. At least I thought it was that but it didn't make any sense to me - why would I be such an ass**le when I love her with all my heart. It didn't make any sense at all, I thought it is my fault and break-up with her. Mostly because I couldn't express my emotions in any "normal" way and I saw it was destroying her.

Second time I really loved is the woman I got child with. It was also not understandable to me why I was acting like that when all I want are cuddles and love. She left together with a child I would die for.

Most of my childhood I would listen how clumsy I am from my father. That is one of those things that really hurts the most when you find out in the end it was not my fault at all. Well it is, now when I know all of this I can act in that way but again - to who say something like this except here?

O and did I mentioned the worst things of all? I got diagnosed with the age of 30.